Puns

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

"Two beer or not two beer, that's the question!" William Shakesbeer

Most people are shocked when they find out how incompetent I am as an electrician.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually, it came back to me.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where is the bar tender?"

Why don't aliens visit our planet? Terrible ratings. One star.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card. She's not sick, I just think she could get better.

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it.

When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born.

3 men are stranded in a boat with 4 cigarettes and no way to light them. So they toss the 4th cigarette overboard, which makes the whole boat a cigarette lighter.